


Ice Cream

by mrs_meloncholy



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Humor, Ice Cream, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-08
Updated: 2015-12-08
Packaged: 2018-05-05 16:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5382302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrs_meloncholy/pseuds/mrs_meloncholy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the heat fries your brain, and you say what you mean, good things can come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ice Cream

**Author's Note:**

> well this has been sitting in my drive for a while and I ran through and semi edited it and posted it and here we are  
> I've never really written anything funny, and I don't know if this is even technically humor but it made me smile when I was writing it so idk  
> this is my attempt at writing humor instead of angst and I hope you like it!!

   ****

It was hot, though that was grievous understatement.

The city was a furnace. The air was heavy and thick, and Roy swore there was a haze in the air everywhere he went from the dense humidity. People were flocking to the southern river, and the ice cream stands were having a hayday. Unfortunately, the office didn’t stop even with a temperature of 104 and, even more unfortunate, paperwork couldn’t melt. Sweat stuck clothes to damp skin, and Roy couldn’t wait to get home, turn the taps to cold, and dive into a shower. The office was too hot to breathe, and smelled now more like sweat than Havoc’s cigarettes.

Jackets were cast aside, shirts were unbuttoned as much as possible, and blank pages were folded into makeshift fans, considering Fuery was still working on the broken one they’d been given earlier in the week. Roy broke up his day to constantly check if it was fixed, because of course it would go in his office when it was. Every now and then, someone would groan, but other than that, it seemed the oppressive heat muted everyone in the building.

Except, of course, Fullmetal.

Fullmetal, who walked in wearing just his black tanktop and tight black pants. Fullmetal, who was eating an ice cream and handing them out to the others. Fullmetal, who was glistening and tan and just a bit flushed, and absolutely drop dead gorgeous even when everyone else had been reduced to buckets of sweat.

“Hey bastard, I hope you like vanilla because that’s all the guy had.” The 18 year old said, and Roy reminded himself of that daily, Edward Elric was 18 now. Fully legal, though that hardly made any of Roy’s thoughts about him okay.

“That’s fine, thank you.”

Ed shrugged, plopping down on the couch, “I took the money from your wallet, so…”

Roy sighed in exasperation, not having the energy to scold, and opened the wax paper package to eat the ice cream without a comment. If he got an ice cream without having to suffer direct contact with the sun, he was perfectly content with that. Even if he paid for five others as well… Roy pushed his paperwork away, refusing to drop the sugary cream on it, and glancing up as Fuery walked in.

“Sir, the fan’s all fixed now.”

Roy smiled, “Thanks, can you plug it in?” He asked, and Fuery did as he was told with a nod.

“I could’ve fixed that for you, Fuery.” Ed said, but Roy had his eyes closed, savouring the cold ice cream as it melted as soon as it hit his lips.

He caught a slightly choked noise from Kain, and opened his eyes to see the man blushing and stuttering something in Ed’s direction. Roy looked at the teen and was momentarily winded. Ed was watching Fuery with a slightly raised eyebrow, licking up his vanilla ice cream bar as slowly as humanly possible. It was melting down his hand, and chin, and with his cheeks dusted pink, and his heavy lidded eyes, did anyone blame Roy’s mouth for watering?

In the pause, Fullmetal looked between him and Fuery, “You two okay?” He asked obliviously, eyebrow raised before he licked up the trail of ice cream melting down his wrist.

Roy cleared his throat, “Fine. Um, thank you Fuery, you can go back to work now.”

Fuery seemed relieved, even if he was blushing furiously, “Y-You’re welcome sir.” He said, and ducked out of the office.

The double doors were closed behind him, and Roy glanced at Ed who had to be doing it on purpose. Fullmetal licked his lips, darted his tongue out for a quick lick before dragging the ice cream bar down his tongue, and Roy could’ve sworn he heard a small moan of appreciation from him, though it could have just been his mind filling in the blanks.

“You’re dripping.”

Roy met gold eyes, slightly embarrassed he’d been caught staring, and blinked, “What?”

Ed looked at him like he was stupid, “Your ice cream, dipshit. It’s getting everywhere.”

Roy looked at the ice cream in his hand, and cursed under his breath as he saw that it was nearly just the wooden stick left. He ate what was left quickly before looking for something to wipe it up with. He heard Ed walk closer, but didn’t want to look up.

“Everyone’s been acting weird today.”

Chancing a glimpse up, Roy saw Ed eating his ice cream a foot away from the desk, “How so?” He asked absently, reaching for a stack of napkins left from his lunch, and began to clean up the mess he’d made.

“Staring at me.” Ed said, and Roy shifted awkwardly, but didn’t look up as he continued to clean, “First, it was the girl who I bought my other ice cream from. It was like she’d forgotten how to fuckin’ talk.” Roy stood to walk to the trash with the sticky napkins in his hand, Ed following him as he spoke, “Then, I was eating the ice cream, and this guy walking beside me rams into a lightpost! Then he apologized to _me_ , as though that makes any sense at all.”

Roy sat back down, and Ed sat on the edge of the desk, pausing to eat some of the melting ice cream before carrying on, “ _Then_ , the guy I bought all these ice creams off of was starin’ at me while I bought ‘em, and asked me who all the ice cream was for, but I could barely understand him because he was stuttering so bad. Now, you and Fuery are starin’ at me for no fuckin’ reason.” He finished, and also finished the ice creaming, making most of it disappear in his mouth before he pulled out an empty popsicle stick.

Roy leaned back in his chair, “What do all of those incidents have in common?” He asked, and Ed looked at him in confusion.

“Um… ice cream?” He replied, and Roy nodded, “You think it was my ice cream makin’ people act like retards?”

He rolled his eyes, “No, Fullmetal, but I _know_ that you eat ice cream like you’re having sex with it, so that might have something to do with it.”

He knew he shouldn’t have said that, but his brain has melted to pudding in his skull, and maybe the repercussions won’t be so bad.

Edward just stared at him for a second, blinking a few times before he raised an eyebrow, “Did it look hot?”

Roy’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, “W-What?”

“Well if I looked stupid I wanna know!”

“You’re fishing for compliments, is what you’re doing.” Roy said, surprised his vocal chords were even willing to work after that.

“I am not!” Ed argued with a glare, “You were staring at me, so you must know.”

“What does it matter?”

“Because if you think I’m hot, that says something.”

“I didn’t realize you valued my opinion so highly.”

“Taking into account your notoriety for having high standards, and the copious amounts of experience you have with sexual attraction and relationships, your opinion is valued much higher than anyone in the office, maybe excluding Riza, but that’s cuttin’ it close.”

Roy swallowed thickly, taking a second to think over what Fullmetal had just said, “Did you just call me shallow and slutty?”

Edward rolled his eyes, “In a way, yes, but I’ve called you worse.” He said, and Roy shut his eyes with a sigh.

“Where is that vocabulary on your reports?”

“Bastard, just answer the damn question already!”

Roy glared, “Yes, it was extremely hot, because you’re drop dead _fucking gorgeous_ , Edward. Beautiful, handsome, breathtaking, whatever you want to call it, and honestly, it’s a _miracle_ you haven’t realized it before now, but Fullmetal and oblivious are practically synonyms, so really I’m not all that surprised,” He snapped, and Ed’s unbelievably stunning gold eyes were wide, “Now, can you please get your _spectacular_ ass off my desk and let me work?”

 _Oh shit, I just said all of that out loud_. Roy thinks, holding his glare out of sheer force, _Well maybe the heat will kill me and I won’t have to deal with the backlash from this_.

“Holy fuck.” Ed says airily, standing up and looking at him like his eyes really _did_ pop out of his head, “Do you-Do you actually mean any of that?”

Roy’s glare wavers, and then he’s just looking at Edward like he’s _really_ stupid, “Do you disagree?” He asked incredulously.

Edward looked back with the same expression, “Yes! Of course I disagree!”

Roy had no idea what he was getting himself into, “Why? Have you _never_ looked in a mirror?” He asked, and was sure the entire office was listening to him, but at the moment he couldn’t care less.

Ed blushed and stuttered, “I-I have automail! And scars! I only have one leg, and-”

“Fullmetal, shut up.” Roy interrupted with a snap, “None of that changes the fact you’re gorgeous. I don’t see why I have to be the one giving you this conversation, but trust me when I say that you are the epitome of beauty, and where you got the ludicrous idea that you’re not, I don’t know. But, it’s hot, and I have three stacks of paperwork I need to do, and I certainly don’t need you distracting me.”

Fullmetal was silent, and Roy wiped his forehead on his sleeve before picking up his pen and pulling forward the next file. The words filled his head and he used them to burn out all other thought. There was a moment Roy thought the teen had just walked away before, “How old are you?” Ed asked, breaking the silence.

Roy shut his eyes, not fully registering the question as he sighed heavily, “27, why?”

“You doin’ anything later?”

Looking up at the grinning 18 year old, Roy put his head in his hand, “You’re ridiculous, Fullmetal.”

“I’m 18 now,” Ed said, leaning forward on his desk, “So why don’t I distract you until we can go get something to eat tonight?”

****  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!!! rlly it means a lot


End file.
